Stay Festive & Don’t Get Murdered: A Holiday Survival Guide

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Hey, fellow Murderinos. We’re getting in the festive mood here―snowflakes! Candy canes! Anyway, even without all the handy hiding places for murderers that holiday decorations set up (does anyone else ever wonder if murderers hide out in manger scenes? No? Just me?), the holidays can be tricky. All those family gatherings…office gatherings…present buying…the social pressure is enough to make anyone want to run screaming into the forest. And we all know what happens there. So to keep everyone safe, we’ve made a list (yep, checked twice) of some of our favorite holiday-themed advice from STAY SEXY & DON’T GET MURDERED. Take a look below!

KAREN’S DOS & DON’TS

Unwanted Advice
Yes, we’re giving you advice about not taking advice, it’s hilarious. BUT. As Karen says, “Anyone trying to give you career advice is full of shit, especially if it’s a family member. People hear about you trying to do something they were never brave enough or lucky enough to try. You making a go of trying to make your dreams come true makes them feel bad…Whatever the details are, they’re projecting all their old shit on you. Step away from these people gingerly. Do not engage.” This applies to non-career advice too. Everyone has had this experience: sitting around a holiday dinner table as a relative gives endless advice on how you should be living your life, while you just plaster a smile on your face and nod. Honestly, just pretend you’re going to listen to them, and then…don’t. Eat as much figgy pudding as you want. Have as many one-night stands as you see fit. Grandma can go suck an egg.

Save The Drama
No holiday is complete without drama, be it between friends or family. But you can keep yours to a minimum by just realizing that you have your problems, they have theirs, and these holiday fights aren’t actually really about you. Everyone is just super stressed right now. So please, “Stop finding fault and making a fuss and crying in weird apartment building hallways expecting people to come out and wrap you up in a warm blanket of giving a shit. They’re not going to…Everyone has their own problems.”

Office Holiday Parties
Whatever you do, don’t be the person who gets wasted at the office holiday party. Nobody wants to be that person. “A dozen drinks a night is about nine too many. Three or four is right in the pocket for a good night out. Anything above that and you’re likely to come to an hour later in the middle of your starring role in the whisper/scream/barf show. I know it can be fun, but also, you’re drunk, so how would you know?…You definitely must have as much fun as you can in this life. But is making out with a mailbox actually fun? Yes, it might break federal law, which is a hoot. And lightly debasing yourself with a dusty inanimate object to make your friends laugh can be wonderful, sure. But is it mental-scrapbook-of-good-memories fun? Naw, baby. It’s just a royal-blue blur in the mental slideshow of “What the f— did I do last night?””

GEORGIA’S HOW-TOS

Escape Hatch
If (when) you just cannot deal with your family anymore, pull a Georgia and escape with a book. When the going gets tough, the tough get reading: “Reading has always been important to me (I bet we have that in common, reader), thanks to my mom and her own lifelong love of reading, so I’ve been an avid reader ever since I was a tiny person. I’d sit in the closet underneath the staircase of my childhood home (like Harry Potter, but before there was a Harry Potter), atop a pile of afghans knitted by my grandma, with my cat, Whiskers, curled up in my lap. That was my favorite place to get the f— out of Orange County and live somewhere else, even if it was only in my head.”

The Perfect Gift
Everybody loves presents. Why shouldn’t we? Presents are awesome. They’re a) cool things you get for free, and b) tangible proof that someone cares enough about you to get you said cool thing. That said, it really does suck when someone gives you a present that’s clearly just…meh. So really think about the gifts you’re giving. Because the right gift can change lives. Take it from Georgia: “On one of the days I actually showed up for class, my eighth-grade English teacher, who’d either been scared of me, or more likely for me, slipped me a copy of The Martian Chronicles…When she handed me the book, she said, “I think you’ll like this.” I started reading it under the stairs that afternoon. She was right. I loved it…I’d always been taught—at home, at school, in the media—that I was supposed to want college, marriage, babies, and a job in an office or a life as a housewife. All of that stuff can be amazing for the right people, but to me it all sounded like bullshit, even as a kid, and not desiring those things made me feel like I’d failed as a person. Reading about other paths and unexpected journeys gave me hope.”

The Holidays Are For Family

Not just your parents and siblings, but your found family―your Clutch Friends―too. Make sure you find time for them, because they are the most important people in your life. “No matter how deep into shit you get, there will always be someone who is willing to help you, if you just reach out. Whenever I read about the Jonestown massacre (which I do a lot, ’cause it’s fascinating) my heart breaks. Over nine hundred people, some purposely, some forcefully, drank poison because their cult leader, Jim Jones, commanded them to.

“I’ve always wondered where that point of no return was for those members. Probably way before the cyanide and moving to a commune and turning over all worldly possessions. What was the moment that they didn’t think there was an out anymore? Didn’t think that someone in their life, outside the cult, would be there to help them if they reached out?” Don’t become a Jonestown Massacre victim. Spend the holidays with your family. (And when they’re driving you absolutely batshit crazy, see “Escape Hatch.”)

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